Heatherina

Slow down

Don’t you think that we’re moving too fast?

I think that our society has a severe case of ADD. There is a constant push for the newest, the best. And it is supposedly generated by need. But what is it that we truly need?

For me… it was a break. One of the reasons I love going home is because I’m incommunicado. In many parts of upstate NY there is no cell phone reception (sounds crazy… I know). And a lot of people don’t want them… don’t have a need for them. I mean what use does a shepherd really have for a cell phone? Unless maybe he’s just tired of talking to his flock. I don’t think anyone realizes what type of pressure it puts on you to be in constant communication or to be endlessly available. And I don’t think anyone realizes how amazing it can be to break free from that type of leash.

Think about it. How many times a day do you check your cell phone? When you miss a call… don’t you feel obligated to return it right away? Can you stand to leave the voicemails unheard and the texts unread? And what happens when you call someone and their phone goes immediately to voicemail? You become curious as to why you can’t reach them. We now have this expectation that everyothing and everyone should be available to us at the exact moment when we need them. But why do we need them again? Why do you need to know that you’re getting an e-mail at 2:00 am? Who does a 10 year old need to text? It is endlessly frustrating to me, now as a handicapped person with a walker, trying to navigate down the already overly-crowded NYC streets when so many people are checking their e-mail and texting instead of paying attention to the fact that I’m trying to fight my way through without running them over. It particularly annoys me during the morning rush hours. Really? You can’t wait the 10 minutes it takes you to get to your office to check your e-mail? You really have to make sure your reply gets sent off at 8:58 am instead of 9:01?

Don’t get me wrong… I am certainly attached to my cell phone. It is my only phone as we don’t have a land-line at our apartment. For me, at this moment, it is my lifeline. I can’t leave the house unaccompanied, so of course I need to call Jesse or someone else to pick up anything I need from the outside world for me. It also is essential to me if something happens. Since my health is so up and down, it is definitely an asset to be able to reach Jesse at any moment. And I am contemplating making that seemingly inevitable leap from a regular cell to a PDA. At this point I would need it mostly for the reminder alerts since the chemo has ravaged my already spotty memory, but mostly because it’s time to sign another 2-year contract, and I can’t imagine that any regular phone will be able to stand the test of time. I’m sure in a year even the 7 year-olds  will have Blackberrys, so I might as well jump on the band wagon before I start looking like I’m completely out of touch.

Also, I don’t think it’s weird that I don’t check my facebook everyday. But apparently it is because now even my mother has a facebook button on her phone. I think alot of my reluctance is also influenced by Jesse, who is very old-fashioned. One of those rare people who doesn’t feel the pull of technology, who doesn’t have a facebook page, routinely turns off his cell phone (or just ignores it), and checks his e-mail maybe once a week. And that is one of the things I love about him. I think being with someone who was chained to a blackberry would only increase my already astronomical stress levels.

But technology is not the only place where I think we need to step back and take a time-out. As I live my life and am treated by modern medicine, I realize that the push for progress is even more pressing in that world. Yes, we need answers. We need cures. But I’m afraid that we jump the gun in many cases.

Every day I see an ad on TV for a new lawsuit against some recalled medicine. Some of which I have taken: Vioxx, Paxil, and Ortho-Evra are the ones that particularly gnaw at me. I took Vioxx for a few months for back pain. I took Paxil for years for severe social anxiety. And although I never used Ortho-Evra, it was something I considered and one of my choices when I was first told I needed birth control to help regulate my hormones.

I’m reading “No Time to Die,” by Liz Tilberis, once the editor-in-chief of Harper’s Bazaar and original president of OCRF. I started reading it out of curiosity because I’m a nerd and I need to constantly be educating myself. I want to know everything about everything and what better place to start than to figure out the beginnings of the organization that I’m working for. It also seems relevant to be reading about cancer struggles through someone else’s eyes as I go through them myself. Which, by the way, I must mention that I was amazed at how different our treatments are. I thought chemo was chemo and it all was sort of similar, which is not true.

What I’m learning is truly fascinating… however, probably boring for you. But one fact that I’m completely alarmed by is her belief that she developed ovarian cancer from infertility treatments. Although I don’t think there is enough medical evidence to concretely prove a link, it seems to be like the autism/MMR connection: no one in the medical community is willing to stand up and officially connect the two, but everyone who is affected by it seems to have that connection and believe in it.

I believe that I developed colon cancer because of my years of struggling with colitis/Crohn’s. There is positive evidence linking the two… just not really for anyone my age. Having an irritable bowel disease is simply a risk factor as you age for colon cancer, just as is family history. But of course, no one really knows the cause. And what causes Crohn’s? There are some European doctors that believe that de-worming children caused the development of Crohn’s. In fact, some doctors are treating patients (experimentally) by having them swallow whipworm eggs that then hatch in the intestines to help regulate digestion. Of course the whole procedure is extremely controversial.

As I swallow the numerous pills that I take daily, or apply my trans-dermal medicine patches, or watch bags of liquid medicine drip through my IV and into my veins, I wonder if someday the very treatments that are keeping me alive will come back to haunt me. In 10 years will the medical community be horrified by Oxaliplatin? Will I qualify to be part of a major lawsuit because of the recurring strokes I have from prolonged use of Fentanyl? It’s something that I certainly don’t want to think about, but is also unfortunately, a very real possibility.

Where is the balance? Many people believe the FDA is too strict and keeps patients from getting medicines that could be life-saving because of their rigorous regulations and waiting-periods. But how many drugs have managed to do more harm than good because there wasn’t enough testing and research done? I don’t know. I also don’t know how to fix the fact that anytime a new drug comes out it is almost impossible to get to the people that truly need it because the prices are so high, supposedly to recover the costs of years of research. One of the only nausea meds that works for me when I’m deep in the throes of chemo costs $100/pill. Just one syringe of a drug commonly used in addendum to chemo can cost $3,500/shot.

The cost of the drugs that are saving me right now could bankrupt some small countries. I am extremely fortunate to have resources that allow me access to these expensive, and yet truly necessary drugs. Drugs that are keeping me alive. But I can’t help wondering if they are slowly killing me. Because they are poisons, after all. When I’m 50 will I have some new disease that is found to be caused by medications of my youth?

I think we need to slow down. I think we need to start thinking. So before you go running to check that incoming text or reach for that bottle of Xanax because you are feeling stressed, I just ask you to think. I have always been one to ask an obnoxious amount of questions, but knowledge is really power. Just don’t blindly act.

I know this has been a long post, and it is really a mish-mosh stream of consciousness which barely has a consistent threadline (kind of like Mamma Mia, or any other musical revue). Just thinking.