Heatherina

Unfeeling?

Is it possible to be completely numb?

Can you stop feeling? Temporarily, at least?

I think Jesse is worried about me. There’s nothing wrong. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I’m not particularly tired. I’m not restless. All I really feel is the pain in my hip that’s keeping me confined to the couch and the sweet taste of chamomile tea washing through me.

Numbness or normalcy? It occurs to me that maybe I’ve been feeling so much lately, maybe I’ve been so overly emotional, that this is what I used to be like. This is what it was like to just be. On an even keel. Feeling everything and yet nothing at the same time. It’s actually kind of a relief. It’s one day when I’m not looking forward to sleep so I can escape my own mental prison.

I am taking a vacation next week. I can’t explain how much I am looking forward to it. Just a simple visit with Jesse to see our family. But there is just something about going home. That sigh of relief when you turn the corner onto that familiar street and see your house. The way you melt into a hug from your mom. Even the dogs that make me sneeze and wake me up too early and drive me crazy I am looking forward to.

I love my home. I love this apartment. I love the place that Jesse and I are building and creating together. But it is also so linked to being sick, I think I need the escape.

It may not be laying on the beach… but I’m still counting down the days.

Until then… I can only hope that this peaceful unfeeling feeling lasts.