Heatherina

Sigh of relief

Life… it almost felt normal today.

I felt a huge weight that was taken off my shoulders.

Jesse came back. And even though I know now that I can be on my own, and I can survive a few days without him, I feel such a sense of inner calm having him back.

I went to work today and I felt like I was a part of everything again. The last time I went to work, I left feeling anxious and sad. I felt so left out. It is a place that I honestly feel so passionately about and I just want to find my niche there and feel like I’m making a difference. And I realize that with time I will be able to work my way back into that. I tell myself that it’s a process and that as I heal, I will be able to do more and accomplish more. But today I could see it. It was one of the few days when I didn’t need reassurance from anyone. Even though being in the office for a couple of hours was enough to exhaust me for the rest of the day and I immediately had to come home to nap, I felt like I was a part of them again. I felt like maybe there is a place for me. And all the things that I’ve been telling myself, all the things that Jesse and my mom and my friends have been telling me haven’t been just to keep me from having a meltdown. I am smart and passionate and I can make a difference. But I have to allow myself to get better. I have to give myself a break sometimes and realize that it can’t be like it was before.

I have come to realize that there is a HUGE difference between knowing something and understanding it. I always knew that things would never be the same. I knew that it would change me. I knew that this road would be long, and difficult, and sometimes seem unbearable and interminable. But now I get it. Nothing is going to go back to normal. I am different. I am changing, and life is changing around me. But I don’t have to be afraid of it. I can embrace the fact that changes are happening, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to be lost.

There will still be a place in the world for me when this is all over. I may not know where I’m going. I may not have any idea where I want to end up. But I think I crossed a bridge today. I’m not afraid of the future. I don’t need to spend my life terrified because I’m sick. I just have to get through today.

And I will.