Heatherina

Too tired

I’m too tired.

I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t even worry. (I know…call the presses!) I’m just exhausted all the time. Well, I shouldn’t say all the time. I get bursts of energy. But as soon as I do something, I’m back to being exhausted again. I find myself falling asleep while doing things, particularly while at the computer. There are days that if I didn’t have something to wake me up, I probably wouldn’t wake up. The past few days, I have been routinely waking up at 2:00 in the afternoon or later. And even then, I usually just force myself up because I need to stay on top of my pill regiment. If I didn’t have a reason, I probably would just close my eyes and sleep the day away.

I can’t decide whether that’s okay or not. When I was in the hospital the doctors encouraged me to be up and about as much as possible. But I’m not sure if that’s because it’s good for your health or because they didn’t want me wasting away in a hospital bed. I feel in a way that if I’m so tired, that I should allow myself to sleep. But then again, I feel like if I don’t push myself that the cancer is winning. How am I ever going to get better and back to a normal life if I’m sleeping all the time? And… I’m sleeping so much that I’m not eating, which can’t really be healthy. Although I think the recent bouts of nausea would have me eating less regardless.

Where am I going? What stop is this on this crazy roller coaster? How much longer? In some ways I feel worlds better, but then I’m still not even close to myself. I lack motivation, desire. All I want is sleep. I feel like I’m in some sort of relapse. Maybe it’s the buildup of the chemo drugs in my system. I have found that in every phase of this journey I have always had to get worse in order to get better, so maybe feeling crappy is actually a good sign. Maybe the chemo is really kicking in. But I hate it. I usually feel my best in the last couple of days before treatment. But I sincerely doubt that I’m going to be feeling that way this week. It’s 6:00. I woke up fairly early today (10:00 am) and found that I couldn’t get the energy up to actually get out of bed until 2:00. Now I feel like it’s the middle of the night and I’m a zombie. All I can think about is going back to sleep.

This was my first weekend on my own since I got sick. Jesse is out of town on a gig. I had friends over during the week, but this weekend I am free of babysitters. It’s just me taking care of me. Which I’m sure is adding to the exhaustion. (Although I slept almost all day yesterday, so I don’t know how I wore myself out so badly). I was in a panic when he left, but I think it was a good step just because it proved to both of us that I can survive on my own for a couple of days. Of course, everything had to be perfectly planned and prepared since I still can’t do anything normal like go to the grocery store or bend all the way down or reach into high cabinets. I miss him. It may be possible, but it’s still hard. And it’s alot more pleasant when he’s around.

I’m so tired it’s making me nauseous. I can’t focus my eyes and my head hurts.

Weird new side effect: my teeth hurt. Alot. It’s not just hot and cold sensitivity. Anytime anything touches my teeth, it hurts. I’m trying a new toothpaste with a numbing agent in it to desensitize them, which works for a little while. I have to drink through straws and cut all of my food so nothing touches my front teeth, which are the most sensitive.

And my head hurts all the time. I have these migraine patches that I wear on my forehead almost constantly now. Bleck.

I just really feel like a cancer patient. And I HATE it.

Now I’m going to take a nap. Hopefully I’ll be able to wake up for work tomorrow. Luckily, Jesse will be back to start taking care of me again. Let’s face it, I need to be cared for still. I don’t like to admit it but I am sick. And I need help.

Well, my eyes are giving out on me now, a sure sign that it’s time to go…