Heatherina

So much to say

We are in such a crisis. It seems like every day some new part of NYC is falling apart. I have mixed emotions about the economic downturn and the slow, steady crash of Wall Street.

The first is just pure and simple shock. A few months ago, I was looking at taking a permanent position, or at least a long-term temp assignment at Lehman. As much as I was sure that the corporate world was not for me, I needed a job, and they didn’t seem to be as soul-sucking as the rest of the firms I had worked at.

The second is just anger. 40,000 people are expected to lose their jobs, and where will they go now? But that is not what angers me. For people that work with money for a living, I think that they have a very limited persepective on the value of money. Perhaps they don’t truly even understand money except in terms of the stress of trying to keep their job and keep their clients rolling in money.

I don’t understand the world of finances or investment banking, so I won’t pretend to. But it just absolutely enrages me to hear about the cries of panic from people who make more money in a month than I could dream of making in 5 years about things like, “How am I going to be able to afford my 2 million dollar house in the Hamptons? Well, of course I’m going to need to sell it, but these days, who is going to buy it? How will I pay for the private school tuition of my 2 children and the mortgage on my apartment on the Upper East Side? I guess I’m going to have to fire my nanny and cleaning lady and my personal tailor and my personal chef.”

Those are the people I feel bad for. The lower class of workers who are going to be the first to lose their jobs once these moguls start making cut backs. Nannies who probably spend more time with the children than their parents and probably feel an even stronger familial bond. Anyone in a position of servitude will most likely find themselves looking for other work… and probably not finding it.

And I worry about what this will do to other parts of the economy. Am I okay? I mean there is no such thing as job security, but what happens now when the rich philanthropists don’t have money to fund grant programs or give out charitably anymore. How in this completely recessed economy is fundraising going to be affected. How will it affect the tiny non-profits chugging along trying to actually inject something good and hopeful into the world, trying to make a positive impact?

Which leads me back around to my biggest fear to date. It is one that I haven’t yet talked about in my blog because the anxiety surrounding it is so intense. But that is another post for another day.

The future is in God’s hands and I guess there is only so much worrying you can do. In fact, it’s almost pointless to worry because there is so little that can be done right now outside of your own universe. I just really am praying for some sort of upswing. I know what it’s like to struggle. And while secretly, there is a small bitter part of me that feels like it so fitting for these millionaires to actually have to worry about money and maybe taste a fraction of what it’s like to be on the other end of the spectrum, that bitterness leaves a bad taste in my mouth and ultimately leads me to guilt.

I wish no one had to suffer. I particularly don’t wish my hardships at the moment on anyone. But that’s life. Good and bad, up and down. I don’t know where I’m going, I only know what I am. And all the can see are the few small steps ahead of me. I’m scared of the darkness in front of me, but all I can do is walk forward. Baby steps in the lamplight.

In the little time I had to sit and write before chemo, this is what I chose to vent about. But I promise a health/emotional update soon.

My thoughts and prayers are with anyone who is being negatively impacted by the collapse of Wall Street.