Heatherina

No worries

So… while I have a few minutes with an active internet connection, I just wanted to post an update that I am ok, but I probably won’t be able to post for a few days, at least not as frequently because I need to get my computer fixed.

It’s a laptop and it’s seen better days and now it’s slowly shutting down. First something went wrong with the sound card… then the wireless card… now the ethernet doesn’t work. So I’m working on backing up my files and then I’m taking it to be fixed. I’m going to see what they say, but it may sadly just be time to pack it in and get a new one. Although I am rather attached to my laptop and I HATE shopping for electronics, so I’m hoping that it’s fixable, at least for the time being. I’d rather be able to wait and shop for a new laptop at home where there is an adequate salesperson to customer ratio in the electronics stores. The problems I complained about in earlier posts with shopping in NYC also apply to all the Circuit Citys and Best Buys, etc.

So how am I? In a funk to be honest. Magenta, as my friends and I would say. If you watch the Golden Girls obsessively like my girl friends and I do, you understand this reference. Not blue, not green, not yellow… just magenta. I just don’t feel like myself these days.

I think it’s the lack of motivation. I am so not driven to get out of bed. I could sleep all day. And some days I do. I can’t tell how much of it is really just being tired and run-down from treatments and how much of it is depression. I don’t often think of myself as depressed… but I get very lonely. And I allow myself into this vicious cycle of isolation. I’m lonely, so I get depressed. And then I feel depressed and miserable, so I don’t want to see anyone. It could probably all be fixed if I’d just suck it up and call someone up and say, “hey, come hang out with me.” But I don’t. Instead, when people call me, I avoid their calls because I feel like I’m too much of a Debbie Downer.

And again, I’m stuck in the house all day. I try to find some outlet in cooking, which I’ve been doing alot of lately. And I do work from home, but I’m still so isolated. Half of the fun of cooking is sharing what you made with other people. I think one of the best days I’ve had in awhile was Monday when I made dinner for a friend of Jesse and mine. I just love everything about a really nice dinner. The planning, the buying, the prep, and then the making of it. But by far, the best part is sitting back with a glass of wine (or in my case, sparkling apple cider) and watching everyone talk and enjoy what I made. I could spend all day prepping for a dinner, and when I entertain, I usually do. I absolutely love to go all out. A nice three-course meal is nothing because it’s fun. The more courses, the better because I get to be even more creative and use more ingredients.

I usually don’t bother cooking really nice meals for myself. And I like cooking for Jesse, but I feel like half of the time I’m forcing him to eat. And usually I need his help with some part of the preparation because I can’t bend down to reach a pan or I can’t lift the pasta pot to drain the water out. Or some days, when I’m really reliant on my cane, I only have one hand to carry things. So I don’t feel accomplished because I needed all this help. I really like to surprise him when he comes home from work with something all ready for him, because that’s when he really appreciates it the most, and that’s when I see the “look.” Any cook knows the “look,” it’s that satisfactory smile or sigh that means, “this is exactly what I needed right now.”

I also really miss going out. I love trying new restaurants. I like going to a nice lounge and having a martini or a glass of wine. I’m definitely a foodie at heart. I think I love every type of cuisine- and I love them almost equally. Except for Thai food- I’m definitely allergic to something they put in their food. Maybe it’s the lemongrass… But I like the taste of it, until I start getting stomach pains and a rash…

Sadly, I think the highlight of my day today was the veggie burrito that Jesse brought me back from Chipotle. Chipotle has to be one of our favorite restaurants. I know that it’s totally on the same level as a fast-food joint, but it’s just so good! Give me a corona and carnitas burrito (neither of which I can have right now) and I’m a happy girl. Although right now it’s ginger ale and a veggie burrito, but I’m still pretty happy at the end of it.

I think I’m an emotional eater. And my drug of choice is tex-mex. As I write this I’m thinking of making nachos and mixing up the “tempting taco cheese ball” from Tastefully Simple (which my mother sells by the way). But even Chipotle can’t take away the magenta-ness. I’m lonely. And kind of homesick. And really missing my computer…

But no worries if you don’t see an update for a few days. It’s just computer issues.