Heatherina

The small stuff

I think that everyone is hardest on themselves. I know I am my own toughest critic. And I always have been. I think it is easy to set goals, not always easy to live up to them. Or in the case of a lot of people who are like me, type-A, ambitious, perfectionists; it is not always easy to appreciate small accomplishments when you are going after a large goal. For example, if you want to lose 100 lbs, if you’re like me, you just don’t get excited about losing 2 lbs. I think sometimes it’s almost disappointing. Especially when you feel like you’re really devoting yourself to the cause.

But I’m re-learning a lot. Having cancer is like going back to school in a way. I’m losing some of my harshness, my strong judgments. I’m learning to let go. Not because I want to, but because I have no choice. My goal is ultimately to rid myself of cancer. That’s the large goal. But it’s going to be a long and bumpy process. Along the way, I know there is going to be a lot of hardship and disappointment. I am devoting myself to my well-being and to becoming healthy. But no matter how much I try, I can’t be in total control. And I can’t allow myself to fall apart every time I slip a bit. I can’t allow a bad blood count to get me down. I can’t get upset every time I start having a new unpleasant side effect, or when I get prescribed a new medication. And in that same vein, I have had to learn to appreciate my progress along the way.

The first step is to see that, yes, I am making progress. I am getting better; even though the progression may be slow. When I look back to where I was when I was first diagnosed, before my surgery, I can see that even though I generally feel run-down and sickly; I am nowhere near as ill as I was. And I can’t imagine how I even survived that time period. Now I can do so much more than I could even a few weeks ago. I used to need help with absolutely everything. I couldn’t get out of bed or even step into the shower without assistance. There were days I couldn’t even stand up from sitting in a chair. Walking was pretty much out of the question without a cane and usually Jesse’s arm to lean on. I was also just always tired and in pain from the lack of hemoglobin and platelets in body.

In comparison, I am now very independent. I can get up and shower by myself (though I still need help dressing myself because I can’t bend down to reach into the drawers). I can walk fairly well with my walker and even climb the stairs to my apartment. I am managing to contribute to my job again. I have started cooking again (although I have to be very careful and make dishes where I can do the prep work sitting down) and I can even do some cleaning (thankfully, because I get stressed out by clutter). The other day I sat down on the floor to wrap a present, which is usually the end of me because once I’m down, I can’t get back up without a lot of help. And when I was finished wrapping, I just stood up. Not even thinking about it. And I realized, hey…I just stood up…all by myself. That doesn’t happen! And I got really excited. That is the moment when I realized that I really am getting somewhere. And I have to be proud of the small accomplishments. There is still a lot I can’t do, but I am learning to do normal things in my own way. And you have to take the good with the bad. Yes, I still can’t bend down to pick up the grapes I accidentally scattered across the kitchen floor; but I can manage to make a simple dinner for myself. I’ve been so self-sufficient lately that Jesse has been able to go back to work part-time. And I think that makes me the most happy. Every couple needs time apart and every person needs to feel that they are independent. And now I feel like we’re getting back to normal. It’s a hard dynamic to be an adult and have another adult who is your age acting as almost your parent. And while I appreciate everything he has done, and I acknowledge that I truly did need it, I am very happy that I am starting to be able to take back control of my life. And I am proud of myself. Even if I am progressing slowly.

I just have to learn not to be so disappointed in the relapses. Because unfortunately, I know that they are going to happen.