Heatherina

The delicate balance

Up, up, up and back down again. I feel like that’s how life goes right now. For every day that’s a wonderful up, there is another day that is a terrible down. For a few days I felt better than I had since my diagnosis, and since this last treatment I have felt lower than low. Like I am just dead weight. I think healing can almost be harder than being sick. Because now I am aware. When I was really sick and really out of it, my mind was completely out of focus. I didn’t have any desire to do anything aside from what I was told to do. I couldn’t really focus my mind, and even when I could, my only thoughts were on how badly I was feeling. It is difficult to have an active mind in a sick shell. Right now my mind races and I have so many ideas. All I want is to work and have an outlet. But my body barely lets me stay awake. Even while writing this I will need to take many breaks and probably even a nap at some point because I get so tired so easily. And every time I have a really good day, I like to take advantage of it. So I try to do things that I like… go out to dinner, have a friend over, go to the grocery store, cook dinner. But I know that doing those things will mean that the next day I will be even more tired. And I will need the full day to rest and recover. It seems so simple. And Jesse is so hesitant to let me do things because he is afraid of my getting sick or hurting myself. Because in the past I have always overdone things. It is more difficult to admit weakness to myself than anyone else. He is afraid that I will put on a brave face and underneath be suffering. And he has good reason to feel that way. I’ve ignored myself countless times in the past. But I really am putting myself first now. But I am suffering in my own way when I feel like I am trapped. Like my apartment is a prison. So he allows me a certain amount of freedom, with the promise that I will always put my needs first. But it is stressful on both of us to have him managing my life. And while I need him, we do frustrate each other. I’m an adult and I want to be in control, and yet there are so many days when I am barely aware of what’s going on around me and I need someone else to be in control of everything. I feel like I am forever walking a tightrope. If I tilt too far in any direction, I will fall. If I push myself too far, I will get sicker and have to spend more time recuperating. If I don’t push myself, my mind starts to really go crazy. It’s an eternal struggle to find the balance.

But now I am of course tired. So it must be time for another nap.