Heatherina

Not for the faint

Beware: This post is not for those with weak stomachs

There are some days when I am absolutely afraid to wake up in the morning. Mornings are usually when if I’m going to vomit, I do. So, particularly in the few days following chemo, I find myself afraid to wake up. I have stopped taking showers now because of the spells I have. I think I’ve mentioned them before, but if I stand for too long or overexert myself I have dizzy spells where I get really overheated and faint, which 9 times out of 10 result in puking. And then I usually need to rest for awhile afterwards.

I think vomiting is one of the most anxiety-ridden illness symptoms. I mean, the actual vomiting itself isn’t fun, but I don’t think it’s nearly as bad as the feelings of nausea beforehand. Especially if you spend hours being queasy. Because all you are thinking about is “uhhh… don’t throw up, don’t throw up, don’t throw up…” But when truth be told, I usually feel so much better when I just let it happen. And for me, once I’ve thrown up in the morning, I’m usually set for the day. In fact, I’m one of those weird people that is not really affected by anything “gross,” so I’m usually ready to eat about 5 minutes after I throw up.

But even knowing that it will probably make me feel better, I still avoid it at all costs. Because I hate the anxiety of it. I hate feeling it in my chest. Which is now why I don’t do alot of cooking where I have to stand over a stove, and if I shower, I usually do it very quickly, at night.

I think what I’m dreading the most about my next chemo treatment is knowing that I’ll probably have “spells” for the next few days until it starts to exit my system. Oh, the anxiety. My current nemesis.

Overall, I have to say, puking sucks. I’m just glad my hair is short enough now that no one has to hold it back for me.