Heatherina

A new perspective

I have never been a fan of birthdays. I always dreaded birthday parties, particularly my own. I hated inviting people and I really hated opening presents. Which is really why everyone has birthday parties. But I have never liked being the center of attention, except when I am onstage. I never had trouble stealing the spotlight when I was performing, but I just don’t like to be the center of entertainment as myself. I always felt that there were two Heathers: the dance diva and the shy nerdy girl who didn’t know how to tell a joke. So birthdays were hard; they were completely dependent on the Heather that I wasn’t comfortable with. I didn’t know how to entertain people in a close-knit setting. In fact, I was horribly afraid of crowds of people. In high school I had crippling social anxiety.

I remember going to what I thought was going to be a small family birthday party for one of my parent’s closest friends and it turned out to be a huge gathering of people I didn’t know. However, everyone seemed to know me. As I walked through the house making a plate of food, I remember my head starting to swim. The room started to get wavy, almost like watching the world through the smoke that comes up from a barbecue grill. As I sat down on the couch, I felt cold. Incredibly cold. I started shivering and the tears just began streaming down my cheeks. All I can remember is the feeling that I had no control and I was so afraid. And the more upset I got, the more attention people started paying to me, which just added to the fear. I don’t remember much after that. I think I passed out. I remember coming to in the garage with my parents. Someone may have been holding a cold washcloth to my face, I don’t really remember the details. Needless to say, my parents took me home shortly afterward. Since then, they have always been very careful to make sure that I knew exactly what I was getting into and have been protective about my interaction with crowds.

Birthdays were my nightmare. And because I didn’t like them, I never understood why everyone else made such a huge deal about them. I was always willing to go to parties and buy cards and presents. I even enjoyed most other birthday parties. I just never wanted anyone to know when my birthday was. And I never wanted any sort of big thing associated with my birthday. Especially anything having to do with a surprise. A surprise party probably would have put me into the hospital at one point in my life. I think around the age of 16, when I first started really suffering from colitis and my social anxiety was at its peak (the two probably being closely related in hindsight), any sort of large surprise birthday party would have put me into some sort of catatonic state of panic.

However, my perspective has drastically changed. As some people know, Sunday was my 24th birthday. I didn’t spread the word too much, but I also didn’t hide it like I normally do. This year, I decided that it was time to celebrate. I finally understand birthdays. I look back at my life a year ago and I can’t believe where it has taken me. And I am so thankful. I made it to 24. I have so many reasons to celebrate this year. I want to celebrate just because I made it here.

At this time last year alot of things were still the same: Same apartment, same roommate, same type of cake, still Heather. But most things were different. Although Jesse and I were dating, we were very much in the beginning stages of our relationship, not anywhere nearly as strong as we are now. I was a “starving” artist, but actually was doing quite well. I was working at Mars 2112 part-time as a character entertainer (where Jesse was my boss) and I also had a great weekend job working as a roaming entertainer at Foxwoods casino.

Foxwoods was an incredibly interesting, dramatic, and yet amazingly fun experience. Every Friday morning the cast, producers, musicians, and choreographer would pile into a van and drive to New London, CT where we had a weekend house we lived in together. We had three shows: Around the World, Luck be a Lady, and Streetcorner Summer of Love. My personal favorite was Streetcorner Summer of Love where we did a processional with the musicians through the casino to the Hard Rock Cafe and then had a live improv dance show inside the Hard Rock where I got to dance on tables and with customers. So from Friday to Sunday, we did from 2-4 shows a day and Sunday night we piled back into the van and drove home.Then from Monday to Thursday, I went back to my “day job” and worked at Mars.

I don’t think I could ever have imagined the twists and turns my life would take in just one year. But I almost feel like my birthday was the turning point. I was at that point really beginning to fall ill with colitis. I was becoming weak and rapidly dropping weight. There was almost nothing I could eat that would stay with me and I was eating constantly. I was also becomingly increasingly embarrassed and reclusive because I was becoming more and more incontinent. And let’s face it… that’s just not something that people understand. And it wasn’t something that I was openly sharing. It was around my birthday that Jesse began really encouraging me to seek medical help, and thus my medical journey began…first with a seemingly interminable battle with Crohn’s/colitis and then cancer.

But here I am, one year later. I have made it through so much that I didn’t think I could get through. There were times, even before I developed cancer, that I honestly believed I was going to die. I think one of the worst parts of my colitis battle was my constant fear. And now, here I am, and I have more confidence than I can ever remember having. I may be facing this scary disease, but I am unafraid. And I am going to face it head-on. It is difficult and painful, but I am here, and so much better in so many ways.

So this year was a celebration. And I even allowed the celebration to be a surprise. I let Jesse and Sara take the reigns and arrange to have a small get-together. So, Sunday, I was brought breakfast-in-bed and then banished to my room with instructions to relax and just get dressed. When they came to get me there was a small gathering of the people closest to me and ALL of my favorite snack foods, including Sara’s home-made red-velvet cupcakes and Jessie’s famous buffalo chicken-wing dip. And it was truly amazing.

There was absolutely no pressure on me for anything. Everyone there understood me, and they understood that I was sick and there were no expectations from me. Everyone was willing to help me when I needed to get around and make me plates of food or drinks. They brought games and were able to entertain themselves when I needed to go rest or when I was feeling sick. And I finally understood why people look forward to birthdays. I can honestly say that mine was the perfect day.

At the end of the night, I simply sat down and cried because I realized how blessed I am. And I am so happy. I am completely overwhelmed. I have friends and family who love me so much, they will do whatever I need, even if it’s not convenient for them. I have someone who truly loves me and is willing to spend every day being my caretaker. I have a job that I enjoy and miss terribly that is willing to work with me no matter what condition I am in. I have a church family who are always checking in on me and helping me be faithful and stay on track, even though I can’t make it to church.

Yes, I have cancer; but what is that in comparison with everything else that I have? This last year of my life has undoubtedly been the most difficult, but here I am, happier than I have ever been despite everything.

So here I am, 24, and celebrating. Happy birthday to me!