November 2008
5 posts
When in rains... it pours
Today, I want to give up.
It’s too much. The pain and the nausea. Almost enough to check myself into the hospital. And if it weren’t for my own cowardice, I may be there right now.
But J is gone. The weekend I need him the most. I don’t think my head was clear enough to go through the process of calling a cab, getting the hospital, paying the cabbie, and getting through...
Aches, pains, fears, and frustrations
1. I can’t sit because I feel like may entire back near my tailbone is bruised. This also makes walking difficult and painful.
2. My right shoulder is frozen. I can’t raise my arm past 90 degrees.
3. I have progressive eyeglasses now. Meaning that I need a different prescription for all angles of vision. Or basically that my eyes suck. The doctor says it’s a birth defect....
“How shameful and absurd it is for the spirit to surrender when the body is able...”
– An ancient emperor of Rome
A balancing act
I suppose everyone struggles with the work/life balance. Although, I expect that their struggles are somewhat different than mine.
I remember being a temp, working for Goldman Sachs. For their new Managing Directors, they used to have conferences dedicated to the work/life balance because they were known to spend so much time in the office away from their families. Apparently their work...
Talk to me
Happy Halloween
It just seems sardonic that the very place that you go to get well can also be the place to cause sickness.
Enough being cryptic… the essence of the message is that I caught a cold from being in the hospital. I can’t blame the hospital entirely… it was probably also due to the weather. I was smart enough to bring a mask to cover my face while I was in the waiting room of the...
October 2008
19 posts
A Scary Story continued
My mom and I are escorted to my room. I’m given a gown that could have fit 5 of me in and my bag is shoved into a small closet. Immediately the nurse starts asking me “routine” admissions questions. I’d never stayed in the hospital, but I was startled when she abruptly asked if I’d informed my family of my final wishes. Did I have a living will or healthcare proxy assigned? What? I’m 23. I’d never...
Trick or treat
Halloween is approaching.
As you are probably trying to figure out which parties to attend and what accessories will match your costume, I sit and watch Tim Burton films and wonder if Halloween will ever be a normal holiday for me again.
For me it is a marker. The beginning of the end of the life I knew. Not really as melodramatic as it sounds, but I do see it as the start of this seemingly...
Just imagine
Just imagine waking up one morning, looking in the mirror, and not recognizing the face looking back at you.
I don’t know… maybe it’s a bit over-dramatic, but here’s what I see.
The past…
I love old pictures. I always have. But it is hard to look back. I’m looking back at the death of a dream.
I was perfect. Of course I wasn’t really perfect, no one...
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is official tumors suck day!
And let me tell you… they do!
Especially large icky ones that make it so you have to lose half of your intestines.
http://www.cafepress.com/tumorssuck
So I’m promoting awareness. Above is a link to the tumors suck store. They have all sorts of tees and stuff… you can even get a thong with an angry looking tumor on it… (sexy,...
Talk to me
Oh Chemo
Voila… my eighth week of chemo.
And it hasn’t gotten any easier.
Certain things get worse as the toxicity of the chemo builds. The numbness in my fingers, toes and lips. The sensitivity to cold. The sensitivity of my teeth and throat, particularly to soda.
When I left the doctor’s office, I was bundled up… pea coat, scarf, head scarf, gloves, 3 layers of shirts,...
The Darkness Closes In
Disclaimer: This post may be upsetting or unsettling. I wanted to write this to keep my blog honest, so it is a true portrayal of my journey. If you are a member of my family, you may want to think twice about reading this. Everything I’m about to write is being discussed with professionals and will be monitored.
Today the darkness closed in. The storm clouds that have been looming...
Slow down
Don’t you think that we’re moving too fast?
I think that our society has a severe case of ADD. There is a constant push for the newest, the best. And it is supposedly generated by need. But what is it that we truly need?
For me… it was a break. One of the reasons I love going home is because I’m incommunicado. In many parts of upstate NY there is no cell phone reception...
Mama I'm coming home
Vacations are so strangely paradoxical.
Have you ever noticed how you count down the days to a vacation? You see it as a break, time off for relaxation, meditation, rejuvenation. But everyone has a tendency to pack so much into their vacation, that when you return, usually you need a couple of days to recover from your relaxation.
Going home is always nice. I’ve now started to get the same...
“Feeling like a freak on a leash
Feeling like I have no release
How many times...”
– Excerpt from “Freak on a Leash” by Korn
Unfeeling?
Is it possible to be completely numb?
Can you stop feeling? Temporarily, at least?
I think Jesse is worried about me. There’s nothing wrong. I’m not sad. I’m not happy. I’m not particularly tired. I’m not restless. All I really feel is the pain in my hip that’s keeping me confined to the couch and the sweet taste of chamomile tea washing through me.
Numbness...
Facing mortality... the ride begins again
Up and down and all around…
Just when I’d felt like maybe it was slowing down… maybe it’s time to get off this crazy ride, I feel that gut-wrenching feeling again. The feeling you get when the bottom drops out from below you and suddenly your heart is racing and your stomach is in your throat. And I can’t believe that I used to ride roller coasters because I liked...
cancer support group: cancer stories, cancer support
Sigh of relief
Life… it almost felt normal today.
I felt a huge weight that was taken off my shoulders.
Jesse came back. And even though I know now that I can be on my own, and I can survive a few days without him, I feel such a sense of inner calm having him back.
I went to work today and I felt like I was a part of everything again. The last time I went to work, I left feeling anxious and sad. I felt...
Chatterbox... tell me your thoughts
Too tired
I’m too tired.
I can’t think. I can’t move. I can’t even worry. (I know…call the presses!) I’m just exhausted all the time. Well, I shouldn’t say all the time. I get bursts of energy. But as soon as I do something, I’m back to being exhausted again. I find myself falling asleep while doing things, particularly while at the computer. There are days...
“May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where...”
– Saint Theresa’s Prayer- Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is represented by roses. October 1st was the feast of Saint Theresa, so it may be a day late, but I thought this was a nice...
“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without...”
– I found this quote and thought of you, Abby… you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Cry me a river
I feel like it’s all I do… cry.
I really think that my tears could make a stream.
I was never in my life a crier. In fact, I HATED those sissy girls who would cry at every school dance over some silly boy. It’s not that I didn’t cry… I would just wait until I was alone. And I still do that to a point. But I find now that the tears flow more easily. And sometimes...
September 2008
14 posts
Therapy
I’ve been away from the internet for a few days. Great for my problem with online retail-therapy, not so good for my emotional well-being. I always knew that my need for the internet was strongly connected to my fears of being alone and my feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and cabin-fever since I’ve been sick. But I never understood this blog and what it means to me. Initially,...
So much to say
We are in such a crisis. It seems like every day some new part of NYC is falling apart. I have mixed emotions about the economic downturn and the slow, steady crash of Wall Street.
The first is just pure and simple shock. A few months ago, I was looking at taking a permanent position, or at least a long-term temp assignment at Lehman. As much as I was sure that the corporate world was not for me,...
No worries
So… while I have a few minutes with an active internet connection, I just wanted to post an update that I am ok, but I probably won’t be able to post for a few days, at least not as frequently because I need to get my computer fixed.
It’s a laptop and it’s seen better days and now it’s slowly shutting down. First something went wrong with the sound card… then...
The Colon Club →
My friend Libby sent me an article from her local newspaper upstate about this woman who founded an organization called the Colon Club which creates crazy projects and merchandise to help raise awareness about colon cancer. The “Colondar” is a yearly calendar put together by the colon club which features survivors under the age of 50, the demographic that was previously believed not to...
Wilting
Heat is not my friend. Before I got sick, I absolutely loved tropical weather. I had no problem being on an island walking around in the balmy 95-degree weather. I loved the feeling of getting really hot and then going into a cool air-conditioned room or jumping in the cold ocean. Not anymore.
Now I just can’t win. When I’m in the heat, I literally am like a flower that starts to...
Health update
So…
I realized that the last post I left you with was entitled “horrible, horrible, horrible” and detailed how badly I feel. So I feel the need to update a bit.
Since that post I have spoken with my gastroenterologist, who adjusted my medications. I am slightly disappointed because I am on a higher dose of steroids again to control my colitis symptoms as I taper off of...
Chemo brain
I’ve been meaning to write about this for sometime… but I keep forgetting.
Months ago, before I was even diagnosed, after my first biopsy, I started doing cancer research. Initially, doctors thought I may have lymphoma; so much of my research was into that. However, I did a lot of basic cancer research as well. One of the side effects I kept coming across was a phenomenon called...
Horrible, horrible, horrible
That pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling
**Warning: this is not a post for the faint of heart or weak of stomach
“Who needs sleep? Well you’re never gonna get it. Who needs sleep? Tell me what’s that for?” A song by the Barenaked Ladies that was popular when I was in high school.
Well, apparently, sleep is not for me. For the past week I have spent my nights up and down, in and out of...
The small stuff
I think that everyone is hardest on themselves. I know I am my own toughest critic. And I always have been. I think it is easy to set goals, not always easy to live up to them. Or in the case of a lot of people who are like me, type-A, ambitious, perfectionists; it is not always easy to appreciate small accomplishments when you are going after a large goal. For example, if you want to lose 100...
Information
My heart feels heavy today. My head is filled with numbers. Swimming with statistics. A couple of old sayings cross my mind… curiosity killed the cat, ignorance is bliss. But I always have to know. Good or bad, I have to know everything. I crave every detail. And then my head is heavy with information I wish I didn’t know. But not knowing doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t change anything. So, in...
The delicate balance
Up, up, up and back down again. I feel like that’s how life goes right now. For every day that’s a wonderful up, there is another day that is a terrible down. For a few days I felt better than I had since my diagnosis, and since this last treatment I have felt lower than low. Like I am just dead weight. I think healing can almost be harder than being sick. Because now I am aware. When I was really...
Chemo... a chronicle, part II
Friday:
7:00 AM: @M:!)W*RIU*#JFE….WHY?!?! I am clearly not a morning person.
7:30 AM: Same as yesterday as far as getting ready… Jesse picks out my outfit and makes me toast as I struggle to stay focused and awake and take all my pills.
7:45 AM: I call to schedule a car to pick me up. I don’t like to take any chances with public transportation while I’m undergoing chemo.
8:15 AM: The car service...
August 2008
31 posts
Chemo... a chronicle
In the hope that no one that is reading this will ever actually have to experience chemotherapy (unless you are on the other side administering it), I decided to chronicle what I go through for 2 days every two weeks.
Thursday: 7:00 AM- It can’t be time to get up… snooze button is pressed… 7:30 AM- I begin getting ready to leave the house, which is much more of a burden on Jesse...
An addiction?
My boyfriend thinks I have a problem with online shopping. Maybe I do. I just recently discovered online shopping thanks to my roommate, who could have an Olympic gold in it. Here’s the thing: I absolutely, completely, to the depths of my soul, HATE shopping. I have about a 1 hour shopping tolerance (unless it’s at a grocery store). And shopping in New York City is the biggest...
Not for the faint
Beware: This post is not for those with weak stomachs
There are some days when I am absolutely afraid to wake up in the morning. Mornings are usually when if I’m going to vomit, I do. So, particularly in the few days following chemo, I find myself afraid to wake up. I have stopped taking showers now because of the spells I have. I think I’ve mentioned them before, but if I stand for...
What to say
I know it’s been a few days since I’ve posted. But sometimes there are no words. I’ve run out of things to say. There have been so many blessings in my life that I can’t possibly begin to say thank-you. All I can say is how grateful I am, but I begin to feel guilty. How can I ever live up to this person that everyone seems to think I am? Who is the person that everyone...
A day to praise
Today is truly a day to praise. I have been feeling very ill recently, and today was no exception. I managed to make it to the doctor, barely. However, I spent the greater part of the morning sick. The good news about being ill today is that I may have a stomach bug. Normally, this is bad news. And I think for anyone else it would be bad news (after all, who wants to be sick, especially if it...
The joys of being a sick person
Ugh. You just can’t be sunny everyday. And today I am certainly miserable. It is just thoroughly annoying sometimes to be sick. And today I was too sick to make it to the doctor. That’s some sort of irony isn’t it? I’m fairly certain that I need a blood transfusion. I have been exceptionally weak and tired for the past few days. It’s amazing how even now it is easy to...
One year later...
A new perspective
I have never been a fan of birthdays. I always dreaded birthday parties, particularly my own. I hated inviting people and I really hated opening presents. Which is really why everyone has birthday parties. But I have never liked being the center of attention, except when I am onstage. I never had trouble stealing the spotlight when I was performing, but I just don’t like to be the center...
About colo-rectal cancer →
If you need/want more information about colon or rectal cancer, I really found this website informative. I have found that the ACS website can be hard to navigate at times, so if you aren’t as friendly with the internet, but still interested… here you go!
